Present

As of this wednesday there will be a entire new
beginning of ish in my life.

bringggg it.

Self-Reflection. Look inside yourself for Peace.

I end my night today, with several new things in mind.

People are deceiving.
People are kind.
People can make you,
People can break you.

Now, don't misinterpret that and say, 'you must think the whole world is corrupt', because I believe quite the contrary. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I try and find kindness in people. I am not suffering from depression. I don't think the world is a dark and lonely place. I know there is light in the world. But there are some who make a decision every day, to live a corrupt life.

I have been on this 2 week down and out
rampage which has quite frankly tired me out.

I'm tired of wondering.
I'm tired of being confused.
I'm tired of being this unhappy person.

Why is it that when you're happy, there's
always something to come and ruin it?

Then I remember, that God gives us obstacles in life so that we can pick ourselves back every stronger than before. That's why I love God. He teaches us lessons everyday. And it's simple, "this too shall pass..."

I know I've said it before...
But I've never meant it more than now,

I'm going to be happy;; if it's the last thing I do.

I've experienced a revelation. I've sought within me the happiness I deserve with the help of God. I will not stand for less than what I deserve. Each and every person deserves dignity because we are all God's children.

No more excuses.
No more angry black woman mode.
ONLY POSITIVITY.
I'm going to die an early death if I don't effin relax.
So here's to me, admitting to my faults, and being more cheery.

Man, too many late nights by yourself calls for a lot of self reflection huh? If you don't have yourself, then WHO do you have?

Keep your friends close;; your enemies closer. There may be some, in your very proximity, playing a role. Keep the smile on. And if you have beef, I've got chicken, so lets fucking bar-b-que :)

If it was Dayton's, I would of been hired!

Well, I went to my interview yesterday. I must admit I pretty much assumed I was going to get the job, only because i mean, whyyyy wouldn't I? I have retail experience, I'm friendly (when I want to be lol) and I am personable. That being said, I assumed I was going to get the job.

ONLY TO FIND OUT. That my trip to Herald Square had been in vain; and the rejection that I received was something that could have easily been done OVER THE PHONE!

SMH @ wasting my time.

The woman said that I didn't have enough experience... but the reason, my readers, the reason is beyond anything that I have ever heard in my life.

And who knew you needed so much damn experience to work retail and sell clothes.

But I digress. While it may seem that I am upset about this unfortunate waste of time,
on the brighter side of things, I did pick up some new undergarments from Vicky's so I'm happy. LOL ohhh the things that make up for others...

Oh, and if you're looking for a job, if you have 10 years retail experience and have your PHD in physics and you won the nobel peace prize, apply to Macy*s.

News: Good.

Something that has been stressing myself, and THOUSANDS of others in the United States has finally come to a conclusion:

I have an interview on Wednesday for a J O B.

Brace yourselves people, I may have a job soon!

Ugly.

That's how I feel.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Lately I've had a cloudy mind.

There are several things that are not where I would like them to be in my life.

I am disappointed at some.

I am saddened by many.

I am disgusted at a few.

and I'm hurt.

But not only that, I feel that I've worked hard for things... and I'm not satisfied with the outcome.

I can mend ties,

change outcomes,

find happiness,

forgive,

forget,

move on...

But what if I'm sick of stepping up to the plate and being the bigger person.

I don't find it acceptable that people's pride is the excuse.

I have pride. I have dignity.

Or maybe I have bigger balls than you to make things right.

Shame.

Something happened; I'm happy.

And I want to stay happy.

The tides turn every which way.

It is currently 1:26 am on a Tuesday.
Class at 7:35am but I can't sleep.

There are many things going on in my life.

• Full load of classes. Mgt, Micro, Money and Banking, English Literature, Accounting, and Theology. Yay.
• I will soon be a sister once again to a little boy or girl that my stepmom has.
• Fundraising is in full force, just gotta get the ball rolling.
• My blackberry is effin up and I want to throw it across the room sometimes.
• I can't add the new St. John's email to my BB and it's making me highly upset.
• I haven't been studying like I should be.
• I need to purchase books LOL.

There are many things that are not going on in my life that should be.

• I don't have a job. I need a job. I need to be working lol.

Thats pretty much the biggest thing right now that needs to be happening.

There are many things that I wish were different.

• THERE WASN'T AN ECONOMIC RECESSION SO THAT PEOPLE WOULDN'T BE MISERABLE! gahhhh.

LOL! I mean, it't not funny. But yeah, wish that was different.

Well, anyways- back to life, back to reality.

Night.

se7en items.

1. Lot of things been on my mind lately... future, here and now, past... things have come up... reflection has been extremely substantial these last couple days....

2. I know my destination; I'm just not there.

3. days til my photoshoot!! Yikessssss.

4. days til st. johns move-in againnnn from winter break.... good? bad?

5. Practically the amount of hours spent @ the effin ER... donnnnt ask... just stay away from Queens Center (Centre?) Hospital... wackkkkk.

6. The # of classes i'm taking this semesters.... ughhhhhh.

7. Yeahh, I saw Seven Pounds-- and loved it. Say something.

I am ok.

Rescheduled.

Photo shoot got moved.

It's now next saturday.

But, it was confirmed and everything, so at least I don't have to feel like these people are going to flake on me. It's at a legit studio in Manhattan too, so I can sleep @ night and not feel like I'm heading into a big fat scam.

Atleast for now.

I need this to work out... I'm praying that everything will fall into place.

-------------------------------

Movin on...

School starts on the 21st. Am I ready? Absolutely not.

I think I'm in denial about a lot of things right now... mainly that at the end of this semester I'm gonna be an orphan haha.

Gotta start looking for a place to live.

Okay it's not  l i t e r a l  but still. I need to find somewhere.

Being 20 and co-habitating (word?) with daddy dearest is def not on the top of my list of "must dos" for 2009, if you get what I'm saying.

"These things will come in due time"

(Did someone say this?)

- Jobs for modeling

- Revenue from those jobs

- atleast a 4 pack (and I'm not talkin beer)

- me waking up for my 7:35am class starting jan 21

- complete happiness.

sigh. why does it look like some of those items on the list are nearly impossible.

But what the heck. 

It's a new year. 

And new year or not, I need to make moves. 

For the better.

Starting now...........

And the Job Hunt begins.

Looking for a job.

So is everyone else.

Today I went to a modeling agency to see about modeling for them.

I have a photo shoot on saturday to start...

hopefully everything goes well.

I'll keep updating about how that goes...

Til then......

I'm back in New York.